Browsing Tag

emo

Rollercoaster Days

Mood: craptastic
Listening to: 2raumwohnung – Sie kann fliegen
Current obsession: writing applications

Sie kann fliegen – weiter als sie gehen kann.
Höher und höher, doch das runterkommen…
das ist hart.

There are some days you just want to strike off the calender. The last two days were like that in my eyes, a row of punches, hope, kicks, hope again and the famous oncoming train at last. I feel kinda lost and forsaken by now, but maybe it´s just my melodramatic mood. Whatever, it´s not the best feeling and I hate feeling like that after everything went so good within the last weeks.

Well, yes, I kinda lost the job I just got last month by now, because there are not enough students to employ me. I can´t change it, but it´s just another of those goddamn injustices in life. Have to handle it and get another job.
Anyway, after I had wept my eyes out last evening and night about that whole situation I got up this morning and fell into some kind of…delusion. I packed my things, dressed myself in girly and nice clothes (blue jeans, girly shirt, boots, silvery eye-shadow, you name it.) and went to the city center to find a job. Any job. I just felt worthless and miserable in every minute that I thought of the fact that I had lost another job. Not just because of the money. There must be some kinds of pestering demons in my head that make think something like that – me the one who has practically no ambition at all. I think, the word describing that feeling is „invisible pressure“.
Whatever, so I went to the city and spent alsmost 4 hours by walking through the streets and the stores, asking for work, noting names and photographing ads in the windows.
I spent the last hour by typing work applications for several stores and restaurants, the standard things, you know. I guess I can´t be picky anymore. I will send them away by tomorrw, and god knows what it´ll do. Tomorrow I will be sending another bunch of applications – then everything else will be luck.
Oddly enough, I don´t feel half as content as I should be. To be honest, at the moment I feel almost as bad as yesterday. Maybe the reasons contain a bit more than job depression. Yes, they definitely do.

Chaotic, just chaotic. But I´m not emo, thank you. I´m just a bit down at the moment. Things will be better….next week, hopefully. Does anyone know when the sun will come out again?

27. Mai 2008

Privates & Alltag

…but why is the MEY gone??! <o<

Mood: unsure
Listening to: Rihanna – Umbrella
Current obsession: keeping myself busy *lol*

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I’ll be here forever
Said I’ll always be a friend
Took an oath I’ma stick it out till the end
Now that it’s raining more than ever
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

No, this is NOT gonna be an Emo entry!! <_< At least…not completely emo. XD
Oh well… we all saw this coming, but now it actually happened, Mey has left for America this morning. The two of us already had our good-bye moment on Saturday, so it was not that totally emotional or dramatic. XD But right now, when I´m sitting here with no chance for a Mey-chu to pop up in the Messenger service, I feel a bit sad. Or rather… quite unsure, because it´s the first day and I do not know yet how often/intensive/whatever our contact will be in future. But I´m absolutely positive that her au pair period won´t do any harm to our relationship, YESSIR! And I´m looking forward to hear the new stories and get to know the mysterious houses number 1 and number 8000. XDD~
Have fun there, Meychen!<3 Love ya!

Hmm…what else could I write… since I completely have to change my daily habits (okay, that´s exaggerated…a bit. XD) and wait for news from the USA, I try to keep myself busy by doing stupid things like watching TV, playing videogames, drawing pictures, running around senselessly.. even more than before. XDD
I just participated in a drawing contest for a 2008 Anime Calendar…I chose the spring/autumn months, those of you who have an account there at Animexx can have a look at the picture and support me by writing a comment.*hints, hints* XD

Oh, yes, VERY important: A gigantic (*lies*) super special awesome entry concerning Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows will follow…maybe this night, because I have nothing better to do. XD Don´t worry, I´ll hide the spoilers for heaven´s sake. *drop*

30. Juli 2007

Privates & Alltag

Fatal Frustration

Mood: whatever, whatever
Listening to: Train – Drops of Jupiter
Current obsession: contest drawing

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there…

Oh well, times aren´t easy at the moment. But I´ll start with today´s events, because it´s worth a small report.*drop*

Today was our famous looked-for abi prank, duh. I had to get up around seven to get to our school and help the others with taking all the classes out of their rooms and….walking. Yes. Because we´re not allowed to do anything with the students inside our school building, the committee decided to organize a big procession with the whole school through the town.
The beginning of it was fun, though… I filled my pockets with candy and gave it to the medics. XD The procession itself was… quite exhausting, because those little brats from the 5th and 6th grad weren´t able to stay with their classes and passed even us, the graduates. <-< I had to separate and shout at a few of them, because they decided to have a… physical and definitely non-verbal fight right in front of me. Ohhh, I hate children.
And so I hate that committee´s organisation. We had to wait almost 30 minutes until they had managed to build up the abi band equipment. And everyone asked: Why didn´t they do that BEFORE the procession arrived at the sports field? -_-
It was very cold and it rained casually, so I was definitely NOT in the best mood when they finally started to play. And I got a cold, thanks again. *sob*

…hm, I´ve been generally not in a good mood recently. I dunno, there are many things that just make me mad and angry and frustrated. I´m not a person who freaks out easily, but at the moment… just one wrong word is enough to make me explode…or at least react rather poisonously. And most depressing fact about that is that I´m not even directly affected by the things that annoy me (okay, exept one thing…)… all the bad luck seems to come to my friends instead of touching me. But that doesn´t make it one single bit better. I could just…dunno. Do something stupid… or going crazy pointlessly. Maybe it´s just the weather or my upcoming famous female problem, lol. XD Well, how does a proverb say? If you don´t have any problems, go and make some for you by yourself.
Oh well… don´t ask me what´s going on in my twisted mind.
I need some sunshine. T_T

27. Juni 2007

Privates & Alltag, Quiz & Survey & Meme

One of those days

Mood: unwilling & down
Listening to: REM – Bad Day
Current obsession: nothing to be worked out

Please don´t take a picture… it´s been a bad day.

Since it´s one of „those“ days of mine and I feel kinda abandoned at the moment I decided to write another entry before I go to bed…
Really, I hate myself when I´m having one of „those“ days…those days when I feel all miserable, alone and unwilling to do to anything. Without any visable reason (okay, I could name some reasons, but normally I can get along very well with those…). That makes it very hard for me to focus on a cure…which leads to further depression. *lol* I don´t know what´s wrong today… I woke up and the first thought I had was a staggering one. I spent the whole afternoon in bed and even the lecture of a very good book (‚A dirty Job‘ by Chistopher Moore, I will be writing about that in my next entry) could not distract me from feeling as grey and dreary as the sky. I could have done a dozen of things to amuse me, but I just didn´t feel like doing anything (this includes learning for my Latin exam on thursday). And I really don´t feel any better by writing that down, because I KNOW it´s totally stupid. But yet… what else is my blog for if I´m not allowed to ponder about even stupid things?
I´m not quite sure about these mood swings of mine lately. Maybe it´s the lack of social contacts I have that drives me crazy at the moment? It can´t be the stress, because I have more time to to the things I´d like to as ever…but sometimes (like today) I have the feeling that exactly that is totally senseless. When I draw a picture and show it to someone it´s a short „well done“ and everything´s forgotten. When I create webpages/layouts/PC-thingies they get a bit of attention for one moment and then are ignored as well. If I play a video game I can enjoy small success and joys for a moment and then switch it out, so something else and forget about it. Either I´m over-sensitive about the inconstant way the world goes or I´ve developed to a extreme attention/activity freak. Both of it is shit and it scares the hell out of me sometimes. I clearly know what my father would say if he knew about my absurd feelings: „Get out of here, get yourself some new friends and don´t come home until you´re so tired that you can´t even walk anymore, for hell´s sake!!“ XD Maybe I should do so after my a-levels…get myself a new hobby or something. I mean, I still do the same things I already did… years and years ago. Things I cling to and things I do out of habit. But old patterns are changing and I can´t sit in room and drawing, creating senseless things and try to keep always the same habits, persons and hobbies.
Well, as for I did not know what exactly to write when I started this entry, I came pretty far in my chain of thoughts. o_O Doesn´t help me a bit, but I feel a bit more tidy now.
So…well… maybe I should delete this whole entry by now, just before someone could start worrying about my mental contitution or something. XD I´m fine, okay? It´s just…yeah, one of those days.

And for the sake of a more interesting and not-so-emo-ish end of this day, I´ll post some personality test results I got. ^^

This one was very interesting. It rates your tendencies to several personality disorders (german : Persönlichkeitsstörungen), just to be back to topic XDD :

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: LowSchizotypal: ModerateAntisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Take the test!
More information about the disorders

If you take some time and read through the further information about the different disorders, you will see that my result is indeed pretty interesting, first because the „high“ rated disorders do not conflict, but jar with each other, and second, some of it really makes sense. At least to me. Okay, nobody would gladly admit to be narcistic or dependent, but this test is about tendencies… and I can see some of these tendencies in my personality. Especially narcism and obsessive-compulsive personality sounds a lot like me in some way.
Anyway, a very interesting test.

Your inner voice is crying…What’s wrong with you? You’re sad inside.. But nobody really knows.. Your inner voice is quiet know, listen..
Take the test

…why is it always that kind of results today? v_V

What type of Fae are you?

Nice, eh?XD Nymphs ftw!

Which Disney Princess are you?

….GASP! *faints* x_x Of all princesses, why her? XD

Okay, enough of it now. XD

24. April 2007

Privates & Alltag

Emo, so what?

Mood: exhausted & frustrated
Listening to: Within Temptation – The truth beneath the rose
Current obsession: everything but bio x_x

Is it a sin to seek the truth, the truth beneath the rose?

Yeah, a new layout again…must be looking like I have nothing better to do, but the red lay kinda dumped all of my entries by doing strange things with the formatting etc. <.< So I decided for a new template…it seems to work and I really like it. It literally fits my mood. Emo, just emo. *drop*
The lyrics are from one of my favorite Sonata Arctica songs, „Tallulah“, which means a lot to me and I always wanted to use in one of my layouts. Don´t ask me where the crouching girl is from, I found this image on my pc and thought it would be perfect for the lay.

Yesterday, when I tried to relax a bit from my studies, I thought I could try out a new script for Mey´s & my RPG forum… I´m now using PHPBB instead of Deaf, and I must say…I´m amazed. XD So many functions~ @.@ A shame it´s not gonna be used so very often the upcoming time.

Ofg, this is the last evening before my biology exam and I should NOT be sitting here and writing entries. Especially because I still need to read about…50 pages…>_< This is gonna be a hard night…plus, I´m becoming ill. *sob* My throat hurts and I feel kinda flabby…great…if it´s getting worse I will have to go to the doctor and eat lots of antibiotica. XD Screw this all, really…I don´t want it anymore…

Hm… because I had a quite disturbing conversation yesterday and the topic has bugged me during the whole last week… I came to think about a few things. Mainly about love, and my attitude towards it.
When I look back on my life, I can´t really remember myself as a romantic person. Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I´m more a brain person than someone who acts according to emotions or on impulse. Some people say it´s a good thing, because I see things clear and rational most of time. Some other people call it hard or rather a poor view on the world, a view that can´t make one happy, especially when it comes to love.
I´m not old enough to look back on a very long life with much experiences, but compared to others I guess I can already extinguish some differences. I got two clear love declarations in my life, but all I did was feeling all affected and irritated, waiting and then deciding to refuse. The only time I fell in love really deeply was a catastrophe. Or rather, a long-lasting stupid longing in which I never gave in and finally gave up. Reconsidered, I don´t really think that it was the feeling of „romantic love“ at all. I´m not even sure how that feels. I like writing sentimental love stories, but I think „my“ idea of love is a bit different.
Maybe it´s just my character. I can dump any romantic/intense vibes between me and another person my making bad jokes or running away, and I do so, in fact. I don´t want things to become…complicated. It´s not like I´m running away from being loved, but I shrink away from people who have a different, more intense and strong way of loving than me. I don´t need roses, and butterflies in my stomach, I don´t need to be around my loved person 24h a day, I would never completely change nor give up my lifestyle or decide something head over heals. I guess…loving me is quite a hard job, I know that (That´s also the reason why I just can´t believe that someone would fall in love with me without reservation.).
Maybe it´s also because of the circumstances in which I live. My parents aren´t married and, if you take it accurately, not even a couple anymore. They live together because of me and because they want to help and support each other in the bad times we have since several years. Both told me that they love each other…as friend. That´s the way it is and I´m used to it and I´m fine with it. From this comes my view that men and women can live with each other without being in a romantic relationship of necessity. I know people who promptly fall in love with each girl/boy who is nice to them. That´s a fact I find very bothersome…because I always have to be careful when befriending with a boy (the other way around, I´m sure there some guys who think it´s annoying to get love declarations from girls they hardly know). Illusions are coming into existence so far…and many, many relationships are just based on illusions. You can tell by how fast they break to pieces, because one by one reality will obtain.
I would never start a relationship just for the sake of a small romantic intermezzo and a short period of feeling good. What I search for is a…well…down-to-earth relationship that is not only based on amorousness, but on security, reliance and esteem. I don´t think that´s an unrealistic conception, even if some people might disagree, I´m sure of that. It´s the antonym of the classic „prince on the white horse“ image, which sounds much more exciting after all, but… well, when it comes to my personal issues, I´m quite conservative in any case. Hmmm…maybe I will be the loser after all and have to admit that there is no person who can fit into my conception of love.

*leaves now* I´m SO going to die tomorrow!

20. April 2007

Anger Management

Flames to Dust

Mood: desperate
Listening to: Nelly Furtado – All Good Things (what else?)
Current obsession: biting my nails?

Travelling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I’ll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don’t cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

This day was one of the worst days recently. If I could, I would lock myself in, convolve under my blanket and shut the whole world out. But I can´t. Even if I would, there would still be all these things I can´t help but worry about.

My father has become ill all of a sudden this morning. And even though he feels worse and worse, he refuses to go to the hospital, because he´s afraid of being left in the waiting room with all his fever and such…they did this to him the last time he was freshly operated. But…oh heavens…I don´t know what do do. My mother doesn´t either. The two of them have bad arguments everytime she tries to convince him to see the doctor, and I can see that she is down with her nerves. That hurts the same way as when I see my ill father lying in his bed. I know, he is not a pleasant patient. Sometimes, you wanna shout at him and shake him and hit him because he is so stubborn and arrogant. But yet I´m afraid and don´t want my mother to say things like „Just go belly up already! I can´t take it any more!“. It just hurts. Other families keep together in hard times…my family is just breaking apart even more than it does already.

The cruel thing about this situation is that I can´t really show how I feel in front of others. Even though I sometimes, in situations like this, have the strong urge to lean on somebody´s shoulder or just talk about it…I can´t. It´s just like…I go to school and feel miserable and feel like I could not make it to a single smile…then I see my friends and it goes like „Klick!“ and I just don´t want to…break ranks. Maybe it´s some kind of laziness or my natural desideratum of not bugging someone with my problems. And so I smile and laugh and even talk about some of my sorrows in a light, easy way. And the rest of them I keep inside of me…or drop them down here in my weblog. With no want of everyone to care about it. It´s stupid and a compulsion at the same time.

It´s just that there is so much pressure on me recently. People who want me to do this and that, instances that have certain expectations of me…and I, who wants to please everybody but is tired of it.

I´m desperately awaiting the end of school in two weeks…then I can fulfill my plan of locking myself in and the world out to at least a small extent.

11. März 2007