Privates & Alltag

Emo, so what?

Mood: exhausted & frustrated
Listening to: Within Temptation – The truth beneath the rose
Current obsession: everything but bio x_x

Is it a sin to seek the truth, the truth beneath the rose?

Yeah, a new layout again…must be looking like I have nothing better to do, but the red lay kinda dumped all of my entries by doing strange things with the formatting etc. <.< So I decided for a new template…it seems to work and I really like it. It literally fits my mood. Emo, just emo. *drop*
The lyrics are from one of my favorite Sonata Arctica songs, „Tallulah“, which means a lot to me and I always wanted to use in one of my layouts. Don´t ask me where the crouching girl is from, I found this image on my pc and thought it would be perfect for the lay.

Yesterday, when I tried to relax a bit from my studies, I thought I could try out a new script for Mey´s & my RPG forum… I´m now using PHPBB instead of Deaf, and I must say…I´m amazed. XD So many functions~ @.@ A shame it´s not gonna be used so very often the upcoming time.

Ofg, this is the last evening before my biology exam and I should NOT be sitting here and writing entries. Especially because I still need to read about…50 pages…>_< This is gonna be a hard night…plus, I´m becoming ill. *sob* My throat hurts and I feel kinda flabby…great…if it´s getting worse I will have to go to the doctor and eat lots of antibiotica. XD Screw this all, really…I don´t want it anymore…

Hm… because I had a quite disturbing conversation yesterday and the topic has bugged me during the whole last week… I came to think about a few things. Mainly about love, and my attitude towards it.
When I look back on my life, I can´t really remember myself as a romantic person. Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I´m more a brain person than someone who acts according to emotions or on impulse. Some people say it´s a good thing, because I see things clear and rational most of time. Some other people call it hard or rather a poor view on the world, a view that can´t make one happy, especially when it comes to love.
I´m not old enough to look back on a very long life with much experiences, but compared to others I guess I can already extinguish some differences. I got two clear love declarations in my life, but all I did was feeling all affected and irritated, waiting and then deciding to refuse. The only time I fell in love really deeply was a catastrophe. Or rather, a long-lasting stupid longing in which I never gave in and finally gave up. Reconsidered, I don´t really think that it was the feeling of „romantic love“ at all. I´m not even sure how that feels. I like writing sentimental love stories, but I think „my“ idea of love is a bit different.
Maybe it´s just my character. I can dump any romantic/intense vibes between me and another person my making bad jokes or running away, and I do so, in fact. I don´t want things to become…complicated. It´s not like I´m running away from being loved, but I shrink away from people who have a different, more intense and strong way of loving than me. I don´t need roses, and butterflies in my stomach, I don´t need to be around my loved person 24h a day, I would never completely change nor give up my lifestyle or decide something head over heals. I guess…loving me is quite a hard job, I know that (That´s also the reason why I just can´t believe that someone would fall in love with me without reservation.).
Maybe it´s also because of the circumstances in which I live. My parents aren´t married and, if you take it accurately, not even a couple anymore. They live together because of me and because they want to help and support each other in the bad times we have since several years. Both told me that they love each other…as friend. That´s the way it is and I´m used to it and I´m fine with it. From this comes my view that men and women can live with each other without being in a romantic relationship of necessity. I know people who promptly fall in love with each girl/boy who is nice to them. That´s a fact I find very bothersome…because I always have to be careful when befriending with a boy (the other way around, I´m sure there some guys who think it´s annoying to get love declarations from girls they hardly know). Illusions are coming into existence so far…and many, many relationships are just based on illusions. You can tell by how fast they break to pieces, because one by one reality will obtain.
I would never start a relationship just for the sake of a small romantic intermezzo and a short period of feeling good. What I search for is a…well…down-to-earth relationship that is not only based on amorousness, but on security, reliance and esteem. I don´t think that´s an unrealistic conception, even if some people might disagree, I´m sure of that. It´s the antonym of the classic „prince on the white horse“ image, which sounds much more exciting after all, but… well, when it comes to my personal issues, I´m quite conservative in any case. Hmmm…maybe I will be the loser after all and have to admit that there is no person who can fit into my conception of love.

*leaves now* I´m SO going to die tomorrow!

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