Mood: desperate
Listening to: Nelly Furtado – All Good Things (what else?)
Current obsession: biting my nails?
Travelling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I’ll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don’t cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why
This day was one of the worst days recently. If I could, I would lock myself in, convolve under my blanket and shut the whole world out. But I can´t. Even if I would, there would still be all these things I can´t help but worry about.
My father has become ill all of a sudden this morning. And even though he feels worse and worse, he refuses to go to the hospital, because he´s afraid of being left in the waiting room with all his fever and such…they did this to him the last time he was freshly operated. But…oh heavens…I don´t know what do do. My mother doesn´t either. The two of them have bad arguments everytime she tries to convince him to see the doctor, and I can see that she is down with her nerves. That hurts the same way as when I see my ill father lying in his bed. I know, he is not a pleasant patient. Sometimes, you wanna shout at him and shake him and hit him because he is so stubborn and arrogant. But yet I´m afraid and don´t want my mother to say things like „Just go belly up already! I can´t take it any more!“. It just hurts. Other families keep together in hard times…my family is just breaking apart even more than it does already.
The cruel thing about this situation is that I can´t really show how I feel in front of others. Even though I sometimes, in situations like this, have the strong urge to lean on somebody´s shoulder or just talk about it…I can´t. It´s just like…I go to school and feel miserable and feel like I could not make it to a single smile…then I see my friends and it goes like „Klick!“ and I just don´t want to…break ranks. Maybe it´s some kind of laziness or my natural desideratum of not bugging someone with my problems. And so I smile and laugh and even talk about some of my sorrows in a light, easy way. And the rest of them I keep inside of me…or drop them down here in my weblog. With no want of everyone to care about it. It´s stupid and a compulsion at the same time.
It´s just that there is so much pressure on me recently. People who want me to do this and that, instances that have certain expectations of me…and I, who wants to please everybody but is tired of it.
I´m desperately awaiting the end of school in two weeks…then I can fulfill my plan of locking myself in and the world out to at least a small extent.