Privates & Alltag

Old burden

Mood: gloomy
Listening to: Theatre of Tragedy – A distance there is
Current obsession: nostalgia

After all these years thou left’st me down in the emotional depths –
The sombre soaked velvet-drape is hung upon me,
Turning my feelings away from our so ignorant world:
All the beatiful moments shared, deliberatlely push’d aside –
…a distance there is…
…there really is.
I know there are… nearer things I should care about, but it can´t be helped…past is catching up with me again.
Once there was this person I deeply cared about…for three years without even thinking about losing my position. Another person came and I gave up, but not without hurting my special person…and myself either. This is the very, very short form of the story.
That was one year ago and I thought I could just shut all these nasty things inside my mind and live on. I really tried, and it worked…to some extent.
Then came this letter at the beginning of the new year. I did not tell anyone, but I was crying over it. Angry and crying.
I came to the conclusion that things just can´t go on like they do now, and decided to write a letter in return, to say that I´m sorry and such…but still there were these little voices in my head…called unforgivingness, pride, disappointment and fear.
After all, I still care deeply for that person.
So I hold off with writing the letter…until today.
It was a total coincidence…well, maybe it was not. I visited that person´s profile on Animexx (community) and looked through the art gallery. I found a piece of art which was entitled with „Hilf mir“ („Help me“), the motive were two sad characters embracing each other, and the comment said at the bottom : „This is also dedicated to a beloved long-term
friend of mine whom I just had lost when I drew this picture. I don´t know if she will ever get to see this, but if, this picture is attended to her.“

When I got this letter on new year´s day, I thought: „Why can´t this fool it just be finished already?!“
But today I realized: I can´t either.
So I wrote a letter. Kind of a farewell letter, though, but I wanted to make things clear in the end and say sorry at least.
No idea if I will get an answer. But it´s okay, because I finally spoke my mind and don´t have to bear this burden of guilt with me anymore.
A good feeling…but yet a bit bitter. But I know it will get better very soon.

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